Deep in Thought

Luke spiked a high fever in the night so I was up for while trying to get it down. Between the motrin and cold bath that he did not enjoy, I think everything is under control. Now, after much tossing and turning, I decided to quit trying to go back to sleep and just make use of my insomnia.

As I was trying to get back to sleep, I had a lot going through my mind. One of the things I was thinking about was Grandma Lieving. She was raised in the early 1900's in rural Appalachia. She walked to school and took a cold potato for her lunch. My mom always called Grandma's family "dirt farmers," which just meant they farmed to survive. She only went to the 6th grade and was very smart. I remember her reciting the counties of West Virginia when she was in her 70's or 80's.

When I, or anyone else, would go to Grandma's, the first thing she would say was "are you hungry?" And if you weren't, she would tell you that not being hungry wasn't a reason not to eat! Hmmm...maybe I am starting to see the development of my eating habits. Grandma wouldn't just fix a simple meal. I remember going there for lunch in sixth grade because she lived just a few doors down from the school. She would have spaghetti, hot dogs, bread, a couple of side dishes, maybe a piece of cake, and always cookies. She always had glass bottles of pop, orange was my favorite, that had the plastic caps to keep them from losing fiz. Remember those? I remember Grandma making greasy hamburgers. She would dip the bun in the grease and if she didn't have buns, she would put the burgers on regular bread and the bread would be soaked with grease. That was one thing I didn't like to eat at Grandma's (and that really thick bologna she always had). She always had carnival glass dishes full of candy too. Circus peanuts, mints, those crunchy peanut butter log things, horehound candy, the list goes on and on. And her noodles....mmm mmm her noodles. Surprise, surprise, Grandma was a big woman.

Everyone remembers Grandma having several main dishes and a table covered with food. Just look at the picture of her table. (that's Grandma holding my sister). I'm not sure what that was about. I don't know if it was her German heritage. Maybe it was because she and grandpa made a good living and wanted to make sure that they always had food, unlike during Grandma's childhood. Maybe she just enjoyed feeding others. Whatever it was, it makes me warm and fuzzy thinking about Grandma's kitchen. I have her cookie jar on a shelf in my kitchen and when I open it I can still smell her cookies. I'll never wash it.

My mom has taken on Grandma's role. Often, as soon as someone enters her house, she asks if they are hungry. And of course if they aren't, she tells them that's no reason not to eat. I watch the joy on her face when she feeds my kids and they gobble up every morsel. It's kind of the family joke that whenever any of my parent's kids or grandkids come for a visit, they go straight to the fridge. I caught myself in her kitchen yesterday thinking "I'm going to see what's in her cabinet to eat." I wasn't even hungry! And of course my new mindset quickly stopped me from doing so. It seems like mom gets a sense of fulfillment when she is able to feed others, as did Grandma.

So what is this emotional stuff about? Do I love food because I love Grandma and she always made me feel special? Is that part of the connection? Is it completely unrelated?

One thing I have realized is that when my kitchen is well stocked, I feel secure. I think it's a money thing. If you have enough money to feed your family, there is sense of safety and security, for me anyway. Another thing I'll have to explore....

One thing is for sure; I miss my Grandma. It's been about 20 years since her death and I still have a good cry over it about once a year. Maybe today's the day for that cry.